April Fool’s Gold :: How I Learned From a Great Prank

This morning was nothing out of the ordinary for me.  Alarm went off, I hit snooze, alarm went off, I hit snooze, alarm went off, repeat.  Once out of bed, I proceeded to the bathroom to go through my usual fare:  shave the face, fix the hair, brush the teeth, put on the deodorant, spray the cologne, and go get dressed.  There was, however, a strange little package awaiting me with an affixed bow and card just staring at me from the sink counter.  I figured it was a little love memento, a “just because” token, a spur-of-the-moment trinket from my wife to show her love for me.  So I figured I’d play a little game and just stare at it while getting ready.  I’d make her wait there on the couch, anxiously anticipating my discovery of her little surprise.  So I finished up my daily preparations and walked out the bathroom door as if I never saw it, but couldn’t keep a straight face and returned immediately to grab the gift that now had my curiosity piqued.

I walked into the living room, little box in tow, and sat down on the couch next to her.  No out-of-character emotions, no sheepish grins, no letting on at all that anything was out of place.  So I proceeded to open the card.  It was at this point my heart skipped a beat.  Literally.  Because inside this envelope was a card in the shape of a baby’s clothing, and inside the baby-clothes-shaped card was a note that read:

“Ready or not!  We’re having a baby!” 

The next few moments were a bit cloudy, but I’ll do my best to recall them.  I clumsily opened up the accompanying box and found a pregnancy test inside.  I looked at it and felt immediately like one of those people on those e.p.t. commercials who can’t decipher what the little blue lines mean.  Was it two-lines-good or two-lines-bad?  What was good and what was bad?  Was this possible?  Could it be?  We’re having a baby?!!?  Where’s the easy-to-read digital indicator?!!?  So I managed, “What does that mean?” as I pointed to the blue lines, knowing in my mind exactly what it meant, but covering my bases in the midst of my shock nonetheless.

“Two lines means I’m pregnant,” she replied.

“When?  When did you do this?” I asked, thinking out loud by this point.

“A couple days ago.”

Then silence…

I sat for what felt like ten minutes, but in reality was probably five seconds, and just thought.

And thought…

And then I turned to her, excited, scared, confused at how birth control doesn’t ever seem to control anything, anxious, but ready.  And just as I was ready to deliver my well conceived reply, the next words from her mouth were:

“April Fool’s!!!”

Crash!  System failure!  I locked up and shut down.

And while some would feel relief and some would feel anger at being tricked, I just felt a bit confused.  Not in a “how could I be duped so easily?” kind of way, but in a “what’s going on in my head right now?” kind of way.  What was this response?  What was happening?  I thought I wasn’t ready for this.  I thought I had my mind made up that I was ready to wait.  I thought I was ready to spend intimate time alone with my wife for a while.  I thought I was ready to plan a pregnancy for when we were ready.  That’s what I thought.  But in the wake of this “news” and the truth that it was, in fact, not true, I found myself experiencing something I was not ready for…loss.  And this only further confused me.

In my mind, what I was surely unprepared for had shown up on my doorstep, uninvited and unwanted.  Why would it be so hard for me to just shrug this off and move on?  If it wasn’t something I desired right now, why was I struck with this feeling of losing something?  It makes no sense that I was struggling with this.  Unless, of course, I really did want it.

And what I discovered in all this was I’m more excited about the idea of being a daddy than I had ever anticipated.  Somewhere, deep-down, I found an intense desire to bring a child into the world.  My mind was alive, be it only shortly, with images of birth, babies, and fatherhood.  I embraced this future and was excited.  And this shocked me.  I was ready to wait, right?  I wanted all this, just not yet.  That’s what I thought, anyway.  

You see, this thought of “eventually” had given me the space in my mind to compartmentalize fatherhood, set it aside, and deal with it later…when I was ready.  And had you asked me 24 hours before this, I would have told you that I was dead-set on waiting awhile before children were going to be factored in for us.  That’s where I had stashed it in my mind and that’s where it would stay.  Yet, now I found myself accepting this new reality and actually embracing it.  I was way more ready for this than I’d ever known!  And while I still hold to the idea that I would like to wait to have children, it raises some interesting questions for us all.

How many things are there that we  ”just aren’t ready for” that we actually are completely ready for?  What ways have we been uniquely equipped to do things that we aren’t doing simply because we’ve falsely determined that we aren’t ready?  What circumstances has God allowed in my life that set me up to be totally ready to take on a new challenge that I’m avoiding because it’s “just not time yet?”

These questions and more all remind me that, though I feel unprepared, God may be asking me to do things I’m not completely comfortable with.  I may need to get outside my little box of how I think He operates and do things that He’s been asking me to do for a long time.  I may have to ask Him to show me what I really am ready for, not what I think I’m ready for.  I may have to go to uncharted places and speak with undiscovered people and do unbelievable things.  Am I ready for that?  No!  Not in my mind, I’m not.  Not in my logical thought processes, I’m not.  But what does He say?  Have I asked?  Do I care?  Do you?  It’s worth asking, if you’re ready.